Hope

:) Sounds dramatic. But I've been having a really tough time lately, so excuse the drama. I'm entitled. I've tried to explain on here and to other people about what a tough time I have with James, but it's impossible. I actually just end up sounding overly dramatic (which I haven't been since I was 15--though, admittedly, I was really bad then). Most people just nod their heads and say, 'yeah, my kid went through that stage-blah blah blah.' And I'm sure they did, and it sucked...for a few days. For me, that stage has lasted, in varying degrees, for a year (well, a year in one week anyway). Honestly, you just can't imagine what that does to you. I truly do not remember what it is like to sleep through the night (and I don't mean getting up to pee). And no, the stupid 'ten minute rule' doesn't work, letting him cry doesn't work, any advice someone might have out there does not work, but thanks anyway (enter sarcasm here). Advice makes me moody, and that's not fair. It's not fair for me to meet a new mom, because I'm not sympathetic. And in my head, I know how tired they are and how hard it is, but I'm just not in a position right now to do anything but raise an eyebrow, and I do it well.
I hit a particularly low point last weekend where at a very fun BBQ, I burst into tears. lol Don't worry, I was laughing at the same time. Why did I cry? Because I actually was talking to someone who said all the right things--things I didn't even know were right. She understood. In fact, she understood more than I could. She had been through so much worse, but understood the survival mode I have been in, the criticism I've endured, the craziness (literal---ask anyone who's been through prison torture--lack of sleep and crying babies). I hadn't gotten more than 2 hours of sleep (and that was good) at one time in months (I have no idea how long--it's all muddled together). I have good days and bad. The bad are pretty awful. I live in the middle of nowhere with no family within a 24 hour drive. But enough of the pity party. When James is awake and playing, he is the most wonderful, happy, fun child ever, which does help. What helps even more is that through my new best friend, I have an appointment with the OT that saved her life and her child's (and her poor husband's). www.lynneganzot.com So fingers crossed, prayers repeated, heels clicked together. Hopefully I have some happier posts in my future!

An actual post about Diabetes--

All my posts since having James have been more about just having a baby, especially a baby with some health issues. Most of that is no different if you have diabetes or not, but I had no idea how hard it is to take care of my diabetes while dealing with all the issues of James. Now, just having a fairly textbook child makes you tired and you find yourself eating Saltine crackers for breakfast and lunch if you eat at all. But waking up 3 times a night (at least) for the past 11 months and spending every waking moment planning the daily feeding schedule around 'happy times' and medicines that require all sorts of timing and dealing with the crying surrounding administering oral meds and the horrible crying of having to try to convince James to eat when he doesn't want to, cleaning up vomit when he gags on medicine or peas, sigh, and the past 1/2 hour's work comes flying back at me and I have to try to do it all over again. Now, I know lots of people's kids gag and vomit on medicine or foods they don't like, and they have times they don't want to eat, but the stress of each bite and ounce being so critical with this child is very wearing and, at times, disheartening. So---bad enough for a regular person, but on top of all this (and believe me, I can't even explain what it's REALLY like), I actually really have to take care of myself. For any mom who has (and you all have!) forgotten breakfast and lunch or microwaves coffee 3 times and STILL forgets it in the microwave til the evening, it is remarkably hard to make sure I not only check my blood sugars, but can actually process in my mind what those numbers mean and what to do with them. And when my doctor wants me to take a 3am blood sugar...well, I'd honestly rather poke myself in the eye than get up at 3am when I just went back to bed at 1am and will be up again at 5. Pregnancy made me so much healthier as a diabetic, and probably saved my life, but raising this kid may just be the death of me! ;)

Time change

I used to love daylight savings. More light, happier, prettier, etc. Now...I'm not so sure. I mean, sunrises are pretty and all, but maybe not every day. Even less pretty when you miss them entirely cause you've already been up for an hour and your day is already well underway...

Interesting side effects....

There's all sorts of gross and weird stuff that happens when you're pregnant, give birth, and really from then on out. Everybody talks about pooping on the delivery table and worries about it. I didn't worry, I just figured it was gonna happen (BUT...yay c-section!...sort of). In fact, I have now heard HILARIOUS poop stories from many moms (and poop stories ARE my favorite). My favorites involve one who thought she was delivering her baby, but wasn't, and one who scared a nurse to death when her monitor was showing 'contractions'. lol I love how everyone now feels comfortable sharing these stories now, as long as it's not at the dinner table (well okay, at the table is fine, as long as dinner is done--I don't want to choke while laughing).

Less gross, but still something every prospective mom should hear about is hair loss. I had heard over and over that I would shed like a banshee once James was born or after I was done nursing, but it's just hair you didn't shed while pregnant--no big deal. Then I heard from my wonderful hair dresser that her hair fell out so much, she had to make herself 'baby bangs' as it grew in along her hair line. Surely this wouldn't happen to me.....crap. I started to notice a little fringe, and now I look like I shaved a very small line around my face for some reason, and now it's growing back. I even had sideburns for a while! Lord, do I not feel unattractive enough? Why is this necessary? At least I have a hairdresser who knows just how to fix me when the time comes, but until then, even my ponytails ain't lookin' so hot, and THAT is a major bummer.

Back to grossness, I usually think of myself as a fairly clean person. I hate a dirty house and play constant catchup with my 3 dogs. I have no carpet anywhere in the house because I hate how dirty it gets. I sweep and swiffer daily. Despite all that, my house is actually pretty dirty all the time. However, there isn't usually poop anywhere but the diaper genie. But James was in his walker playing in the afternoon while I washed 3 bottles. In that time, I turned around to a kid covered in poo. Sitting in the walker evidently squeezed poo out the side of his diaper, which he then thought would be great fun to play in. So I lift him out, clean him up, and decided to have some naked play time on a towel before his bath. He's started to be mobile (at least backwards), so in no time at all, he was off the towel sort of slithering on his tummy. When I picked him up, he was all wet from peeing on the floor. lol Not as bad as dog pee, but my dogs haven't peed inside in a while (Dimple is finally potty trained--turns out spaying did the trick!). So we clean up again, and while he's in his bathtub, I roll his walker out of the way. And what to my wondering eyes should appear?? doodie!! Yes, there was poop on my floor that had been there for about an hour. EEWW! I promptly took a picture with my phone and sent it to Tom. He replied "who's?". Mind you, only James and I were home at this point...hm.

Secret Life of the Stay at Home Mom

Every type of mom have their own unique difficulties. A stay at hom mom can't quite understand the trials of the working mom, and the working mom can't quite understand the stay at home mom. Neither one works harder or has it easier than the other. I do think that the stay at home mom is frequently misunderstood. Yes, we are 'lucky' to stay at home and to do what we love and what we choose. But the same could be said for anyone's job. It's all a choice. I am a stay at home mom, so this is what I can talk about. I don't want any arguments.
There are some dirty little secrets that stay at home moms don't tend to talk about. We do our job 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The same thing. Every day. And just like any office job, there are times of boredom (no one tells you this, unless you have a good sister, like I do). Now, there is precious little quiet time, so that's not where the boredom comes from. It comes because you've read the same book 257 times, played with the same toys 489 times, and watching your baby bang a spoon on a tupperware was really cute the first 172 times you saw it. No one likes to talk about these times, because the stay at home mom is so lucky to stay at home and play with her kids, she should be happy and loving every moment. But sometimes you need to refresh a little. You have to find new ways to be creative during playtime not only to enrich your kid, but to preserve your sanity. (And don't even try to multi-task on your kid. I don't know how they know, but they know!) If your baby wakes up early from the afternoon nap, not only are you going to have a cranky baby by bedtime, but your afternoon is ridiculously long because you have to think of things to do. Every day. The same thing. lol And any time I talk about this, I feel like I have to apologize for feeling this way. But most people with office jobs have the same complaints about their jobs, it's just more acceptable to talk about it and to feel that way.

Another issue with being completely immersed in your kids every day is that you have precious little else to talk about. I never wanted to be that girl that could only talk about their kids, just like I never wanted to be the girl that could only talk about horses, but shoot, James and I spend a lot of time together, every day. :)~ But I was that girl at a party at our house last night. sigh Not only do I not have much else to draw from, I'm so excited to talk to grown ups, I'll say anything! It's embarrassing, and a little funny. Luckily I have very good natured friends.

And the littlest things make the life of the stay at home mom way too exciting. It took me a solid week to prepare for the aforementioned party. My husband had the fantastic idea of making the party all do it ahead appetizers. Perfect. Everyone brought something, and I made 4 dishes, all ahead of time. Which was a good thing, because between cleaning the house, preparing all the food, and just setting up, it took every bit of nap times and several playtimes throughout the week to get it all done, just so I could enjoy one evening without having to do much. And it was fun, the food was great, the company was the best; I even had time to do my hair. And I'm so glad it's over!! But I would do it again, it was the perfect way to have people over. Never again will I cook dinner for a group, at least, not for a long time. Unfortunately I should probably clean the floors again....naaah, he's not even crawling yet! ;)

Lovie

I really tried to get James into a "lovie". If you can't figure that out, it's whatever soothes the baby, helps them to sleep, whatever. I have a bajillion of those little blankies with heads (should try to find a bear! lol); my favorite is this little giraffe. It has sleepy eyes, so cute. I've put it in his car seat and swing, fed him with it. He just never got particularly attached to anything, which is fine, but I did think it would be nice for him to have something special. Last night while I was putting him to sleep, it hit me. I am his "lovie"! He was cradled like he was nursing, with one hand high on my chest, just fiddle-faddling (as Tom calls it) with my necklace (my push present) and running his fingers over my skin. When he fusses in his crib or swing, I can just put a hand in there and he'll hold my finger and drift off. Adorable? yes. A little impracticle? probably, but how can you not love that! Yeah, he's banking on that only child thing!

Is this your first child?

LOL Um...doesn't that imply there will be a second? Heck, I don't know! I suppose I'll answer that when I'm sleeping a bit more. To be honest, my pregnancy was stressful and tiring and I don't know how you people do it again with a toddler running around. I salute you (um, mostly Sharla, I really can't believe you have 4)! I would love for #2 to be an accident. Just making the decision to have another kid scares me! If it just happens, I'll go with it. Unfortunately, I'm pretty responsible....

Don't believe everything you read!

You know how every baby book out there tells you not to believe that old myth about putting rice cereal in your baby's bottle to help them sleep through the night? Choking risk. And for God's sake, don't make the hole of the nipple bigger to fit the rice cereal through!
Well, our fancy GI doc prescribed 1 teaspoon of rice cereal per ounce of formula to help keep James from reluxing (it totally works, he hasn't spit up since). It also adds a ton of calories. Then he said to just go ahead and cut the nipple whole bigger if we needed to. lol It made us laugh. HOWEVER, that old thing about making babies sleep through the night...ERRONEOUS, ERRONEOUS!! He gets it with every bottle, and we ain't sleepin through the night. So don't go putting it in your baby's bottle unless your dr tells you to (that's my disclaimer).

Still waiting to hear the results of the endoscopy. Hopefully by early next week. We did finally get marshmallow flavored Zantac, which enables us to give it to James without feeling like we're torturing him. It was so awful with the strawberry. He would cry and cry, make awful faces, and totally never swallowed. It was like trying to give a horse wormer...if you've ever had that experience. Poor kid is never going to want a strawberry cake with his Uncle Carl!

Despite what they say, good intentions are sometimes just stupid.

People say the dumbest things when they're trying to relate to you.
My absolute favorite was when I was pregnant and people would find out that I was diabetic. 9 times out of 10 I got: Have you ever seen Steele Magnolias? Honestly, I haven't ever watched the movie, but I AM aware of the plot--the woman is diabetic, tries to have a baby......and dies. lol Thank you for that special little pick-me-up! I feel super.
After James was born and he was considered small, I got: Oh my gosh! He's so tiny! Was he a preemie? -or- How many DAYS is he? I began calculating and responding with 87, 124, or whatever. lol Then I would get looks like I was a crackhead mother or an alcoholic. Yes, he has FAS. My sarcasm got me into plenty of trouble.
Now I've got a new one, and it happens ALL the time! James went for a sweat test to see if he has cystic fibrosis (he doesn't). Clearly we were there for a reason; I did not order the test myself. The nurse says: did you ever think that maybe he's just small? (sigh) Yep, we thought about it. Then later she informs me how I won't be so nervous with my 4th kid (my WHAT?) and that it's probably just first mom nerves. Again, sigh. Seriously, I didn't go to my pediatrician and freak out. THEY freaked out that he was losing weight/not gaining. People say this to me almost daily, like it's a brand new option we hadn't even considered. I sure appreciate the optimism, but um...here's yer sign.

How do you spell 'duty'? Wait...which kind?

There's reason I had to ask which kind of duty (or doodie?), and I'll get to that. But yes, even though I am the mom and supposed to be the voice of sanity in our household, my husband was double checking on how to spell 'duty' (hey, I'm the speller in the family, he's the math wiz), and the first thought that popped into my head was: doodie? why are you writing about doodie? I have to admit, I'm not even sure if I'm spelling THAT kind of doodie correctly, but it looks good. Needless to say, I still have not lived this down. But I did get some insight today as to why 'doodie', and not 'duty', was the first word to flash across my brain.
I got back from the grocery store and unloaded groceries while James played with Neon (his favorite crinkly winged parrot toy). Things started to head a little south in the entertainment department, so I finished up and grabbed James for a diaper change. Of course, I smelled a little something, but you never know whether or not there's a stealth poop in there. I pull off his pants and realize we've got a little mess on our hands, so I decide to pull off socks too. Then I realized, somehow, there was poo ALL over his socks. What?! LOL How did that even happen? So we change clothes completely, I basically give him a bath with several wipes, then give myself one. I still smell poo. So you see, how could I NOT think of doodie? It's a big part of my day. All I can say to James is: Well played, sir!

just to add to everything...

So I have this beautiful baby, everything is wonderful. My mom came for 3 weeks to help, incredible. He nursed great, slept...well...in between eating. By the way, they don't really impress upon new moms how a baby eating every 2 to 3 hours means from start to start. Well, it took James about 45 min to eat, and he ate every 1 1/2 to 2 hrs. You do the math. But I typically slept when he slept...we snuggled a lot. But everything was normal as far as I knew, all checkups were good. He continued to be a bit small, but head, length, and weight were all on the same curve, so no concern. When he went to his 4 month appt., things started to change. He had not even gained a pound in 2 months. He did, however, grow sufficiently in length. And you know, we noticed that he was skinny, and not fitting in or growing out of clothes, but everyone (nurses included) that we asked would say: he's just small, he's fine. So we tried not to worry. Well, now we began to worry. We thought the issue might be too much foremilk in me, because he would pull off the breast and gag a bit sometimes, and was becoming a fussy eater. So I began pumping before feedings to get him to the hind milk. 2 weeks later, he had gained about a 1/2 pound a day. Good news. 2 weeks later, very very little weight gain. So it was time to switch to formula. Honestly, I was devastated. I mean really, logically, I don't know why it was so bad. My sister said it best, I suppose. Nursing was how I mothered him. Without that, I felt unnecessary. It was also something I was very proud of doing for my son. I wanted to solely give him breast milk for one year. But as most of us know, whenever you get attached to an idea with kids, it's probably just not going to work out. :) Anyway, he wouldn't take a bottle. He had had bottles before, but it had been a while. If he even saw a bottle, he would scream and cry, which did not help my emotional state. My sister saved the day yet again when her neighbor overnighted a supplementer. What a great device! I wouldn't have known it existed, and it really saved us a hospital visit. So then I would pump before feeding him, and then he would get more formula through his little straw than breastmilk. This worked well, and eventually we found a nipple he would take (Playtex Natura nipple--honestly most like a boob that I've seen in regular stores). So he gained 2 ounces a day the first two weeks, one the second two weeks, and then one ounce total in the last 3 weeks. Sigh. We ran a ton of blood work, everything was normal. But for some reason, his stool was never checked until this last appt. Oddly enough, we found trace blood in his stool. Possible dairy allergy. Suddenly, things start to add up. He doesn't often get diaper rash, but when he does--blisters, hot, red, horrible. I think the doctors/nurses thought I left him in a dirty diaper for a long time. Doesn't happen. He had visible blood in his stool one time, but it was written off as a one time thing. He was pulling away from the nipple and arching his back. So we go see a GI doc. He has a bunch of signs of not only a milk allergy (or lactose, we'll see), but acid reflux, probably caused by the allergy. Again, sigh. He doesn't spit up massive amounts, and I thought that was what reflux was. Sooooo, if we had figured this out, I could have changed my diet and kept nursing. Would I have wanted to? Actually, I probably would, even though the diet kind of sucks (ok, really sucks). But I'm sorely disappointed that the choice was taken away from me. I'm still having to get over this, which is funny because before James was born, I was completely indifferent to nursing. If it worked, I was going to do it, but if it didn't, I wasn't. But it is interesting how you just get into something. Another shout out to my sister--she said that when you have a baby, you have to embrace everything you do and really believe in it. That's just the only way you can make it through. So when something falls apart, it's really hard.
It was even hard if my husband offered to take over a feeding. I couldn't do it. I could not let go. No matter how tired or frustrated I was, it was what I did. Every time I pumped or fed James a bottle, my heart broke a little. Again, so silly in reality. I have a healthy boy who is getting better (thanks to Alimentum and Zantac--which he hates with a passion-he'll never eat strawberries happily, that's for sure!), and he doesn't have some horrible disease. But man, it's been hard to get over. And I'm a pretty darn reasonable person. Time moves on though, and I still am a little sad about it and wish things had been different, but there is just as special a bond with bottle feeding. Thankfully, I have an incredibly understanding husband who has put up with my crazy and still loves me.

better late than never...

I had great intentions when I started this blog to keep a record of my pregnancy to maybe help someone or myself who was going through the same issues. But when things started to go a little south, I didn't really want to talk about it, write about it, or really anything about it. Not denial, just introspection.
Well, my son is now 6 months old, and everything is just fine. There were no genetic abnormalities, no developmental defects; he's perfect (and seriously cute). But I would like to continue to catalog motherhood as a diabetic mom as well. There are a few unique challenges to it, as well as the same challenges all moms face.
But first, a quick recap:
I had a great pregnancy on paper, but in reality it was wrought with worries and exhaustion. I drove two hours twice (sometimes 3 times) a week into doctor's appointments for the last few months (before that once a week, before that every other week), which mostly went fine but his size was always a bit questionable, which evidently can be a sign of all sorts of problems...or he could just be small. The last few weeks my blood pressure was way too high and I gained 14 pounds of water in 2 weeks (yes, I was pretty), so I was confined to the couch, but fortunately not the hospital. Again, on paper, this doesn't sound so bad, and it certainly could have been worse, but it was wearing. Four days before I was due to be induced, we went in for our last BPP (biophysical profile) and not only was my blood pressure even higher, but the baby was not moving much and was not doing the practice breathing. We went to labor and delivery to be hooked to a fetal monitor, and his heart rate was non-reactive (normally a baby's heart rate fluctuates a bit, reacting to its environment). We had a choice to either induce then with an emergency c-section a strong possibility, or go ahead with a c-section. We chose the c-section on our doctor's recommendation (this made even more attractive to me as I had just found out that, due to an old back fracture from a horse, I could not have an epidural--yikes!). All the doctors and nurses at Georgetown were incredible, and James was born very healthy, but small. 5 lbs, 14oz. Everything was great. I healed fast, James was nursing great, milk came in quickly, we were tired and happy.
So that's pretty much catching up through birth. I'll have to catch up on the rest later. Needless to say, we were thrilled at the outcome, and so relieved. A lot has happened since then, and continues to happen, so I'm going to keep playing catch up while keeping up with the current!