Sunday, June 14, 2009


:) Sounds dramatic. But I've been having a really tough time lately, so excuse the drama. I'm entitled. I've tried to explain on here and to other people about what a tough time I have with James, but it's impossible. I actually just end up sounding overly dramatic (which I haven't been since I was 15--though, admittedly, I was really bad then). Most people just nod their heads and say, 'yeah, my kid went through that stage-blah blah blah.' And I'm sure they did, and it sucked...for a few days. For me, that stage has lasted, in varying degrees, for a year (well, a year in one week anyway). Honestly, you just can't imagine what that does to you. I truly do not remember what it is like to sleep through the night (and I don't mean getting up to pee). And no, the stupid 'ten minute rule' doesn't work, letting him cry doesn't work, any advice someone might have out there does not work, but thanks anyway (enter sarcasm here). Advice makes me moody, and that's not fair. It's not fair for me to meet a new mom, because I'm not sympathetic. And in my head, I know how tired they are and how hard it is, but I'm just not in a position right now to do anything but raise an eyebrow, and I do it well.
I hit a particularly low point last weekend where at a very fun BBQ, I burst into tears. lol Don't worry, I was laughing at the same time. Why did I cry? Because I actually was talking to someone who said all the right things--things I didn't even know were right. She understood. In fact, she understood more than I could. She had been through so much worse, but understood the survival mode I have been in, the criticism I've endured, the craziness (literal---ask anyone who's been through prison torture--lack of sleep and crying babies). I hadn't gotten more than 2 hours of sleep (and that was good) at one time in months (I have no idea how long--it's all muddled together). I have good days and bad. The bad are pretty awful. I live in the middle of nowhere with no family within a 24 hour drive. But enough of the pity party. When James is awake and playing, he is the most wonderful, happy, fun child ever, which does help. What helps even more is that through my new best friend, I have an appointment with the OT that saved her life and her child's (and her poor husband's). So fingers crossed, prayers repeated, heels clicked together. Hopefully I have some happier posts in my future!